Sunday, February 1, 2015

Testimony Meeting and Listening for Answers

Today was Fast Sunday and we had our testimony meeting at church.  About half way through the meeting, Griffey turned to me and told me I should go up there.  I told him, "Ask Daddy," because I hadn't felt like I was burning to say anything at the moment and had Natalia on my lap and Noah on the floor next to me.  When Griffey turned and asked Adam, Adam also kind of brushed off the idea, but said he would go up and help Griffey.  I told Griffey I would go up there if he did and he thought about it for a second and got really nervous. He told me he would be too scared. 

Griffey sat and thought for a minute and then told me he would if I helped him know what to say. Then he stood up and said, "Let's go!" Scary! I don't go up there very often either, so he was really testing my comfort zone too!

Griffey bore his testimony in front of the congregation for the first time! He said, "I have a testimony of Jesus Christ.  I know he loves me.  I have a testimony of prayer.  I know that every day when I pray, I feel comforted.  In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." His testimony was so sweet and simple and perfect.  I am so proud of him!

After Griffey, I bore my testimony of prayer and receiving revelation.  I have had to rely a lot on the power of prayer as we decide whether this is the right time to go back to Oregon or not.  Obviously we really want to go back after this school year, but we are waiting to see what  Heavenly Father has in store for us.

Adam and I have been praying, fasting, and going to the temple in hopes of having out path laid out more clearly.  So far, I have felt that our purpose in coming to Arizona was to become a stronger family unit and strengthen our bonds.  We didn't know it when we came, but I feel that way now.

Now I feel like Heavenly Father is telling us we can go back if we feel like our marriage and our family unit is strong enough.  Here, we do everything together. We carpool every day.  We do everything together every night and on the weekends and in Oregon, we have a lot of family and friends and a lot of distractions from our little family. When we are upset we pull apart to deal with it, whereas here, we are stuck together to figure it out.  We have been able to resolve conflicts so much quicker and easier here.

I feel like Heavenly Father wants to make sure we understand how everything will change when we go back.  So I evaluated all of that and I feel like we are stronger than ever and can go back. 

Then, next I felt like we needed to evaluate our finances.  I kept praying and kept feeling like I needed to create a budget so we could see what it would look like to move to Oregon with three kids and no jobs and how long our savings would last and take time to really think about the financial impact of moving.  I felt stressed by what our budget looked like, but I also know that we will have our tax refund and we will be able to get by for a few months until we get a job or else we will find some other kind of income besides teaching while also looking for teaching jobs.

I feel like the main answer I am getting so far is that Heavenly Father is trying to teach us to think through every aspect of this big decision and then make the best choice.  I think we will be fine either way, but I want our children to thrive so I keep praying for more specific answers.

Right now, I don't know what we are going to do, but I just keep praying and I just keep reminding myself to keep my personal desires out of it so the Spirit can lead us in the right direction.

A small part of me wants to stay.  Right now, Griffey goes to kindergarten at my school, right across from my classroom. I cherish this so much.  After we drop Adam off at his school and the babies off at Anita's, Griffey and I have a few minutes alone in the car to talk about our goals and hopes for the day. When we get to school, Griffey hangs out in my classroom for an hour before school starts.  He plays on the computer, helps me get things ready, and sometimes joins my before school reading group.  He knows the kids in my class because they come in and see him before school.  I know what he is doing in his class and he knows what I am doing in mine.  At the end of the day, he will come in while I pack up and do the math or art activity that I haven't cleaned up from the day. He will ask me if my kids were good and what we learned about.

We talk about our day and share all the little joys and experiences that I wouldn't have even known about him if we weren't at the same school and so close.  I also see him throughout the day when I am walking my class to specials and his class is just getting back.  He used to yell, "Mom!" across the courtyards (all the classrooms open up to the courtyards unlike in Oregon where it is all one building), but I taught him to just quietly wave.  I love spotting him across the courtyard waving.

If we go back to Oregon, I will miss out on all of these things.  Most likely, we will not be at the same school and I will be trying to make time to pry information out of him about his day while also juggling setting up a new classroom and getting to know a new school's policies and procedures and probably a new grade level and curriculum and everything else.  If we stay, I will not lose my precious time with my little boy.

On the other hand, I know that Griffey will not stay at the school I teach at forever. It has always been the plan to go to a different school after first grade..  Anyway, I know that the precious time I have with Griffey would end soon either way and I can't blame it on Oregon.  Obviously, there are a million things going through my head and I am trying to find the right balance between overanalyzing and listening too close and  not listening close enough to here the direction of the Spirit.

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