My Eyes Keep Turning Green

I have gotten to that point in grad school where out cohort is changing their tone from "we're all in this together!" to "we are eachother's competition!"

The kick off to the competition was the Oregon Educator's Job Fair this past Tuesday and Wednesday in Portland.  Tuesday was the job fair, which was open to everyone who registered to walk around and have brief meetings and interviews with many school districts from Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Idaho, California, and Arizona.  Wednesday was reserved for people who made a great impression and were invited to have a formal interview with a school district.

For the most part, Oregon school districts were not doing interviews because they do not have many openings right now.  Mainly the interviews on Wednesday were for different states and for different fields of education than elementary. 

Due to the lack of interviews being scheduled by Oregon districts, the few peole that had successful meetings or interviews could not stop talking about it!  It is one thing to modestly say that things went well and you were asked to interview, but it is another thing to say, "Oh, I have five interviews and a job offer, but no big deal"--and it is a whole other thing to say this multiple times!

I am in a weird position where my friends and classmates, who I really like and genuinely want success for, are my competition for a career.  I thought I could handle this, especially because I anticipated that I would be competitive and I had to give myself a pep talk about being supportive because we are all on our own paths and everything will work out fine and I will be a great teacher that people will want in their school and blah blah blah, but I was still very competitive and envious of others.

I had a great interview when one school district came to the University of Oregon.  They took my picture and gave me a 'fast pass', which was basically a ticket for a second interview at this past week's job fair.  At the interview, I felt confident and spoe from the heart and what I said seemed well-recieved.  They said they would contact me about setting up the next step which is for them to watch me teach, so I left feeling very, very confident and excited.  Then I found out that some people didn't just get the "we will contact you to schedule the observation," but they actually had an observation time scheduled at their interview at the job fair.

This made me insanely jealous! I thought I had done great, and I am sure I am still on the top of their list, but my confidence was shattered when I heard other people had already moved ahead of me.  I was so jealous! I cried and felt sorry for myself and made Adam and Brittany console me.  The worst part is that when we were in out night class on Wednesday (the night after the job fair), one of my friends, who is so kind to everyone and deserves success, was talking about how she was nervous because they were going to observe her teaching on Friday.  I was shocked when I heard that she had moved on and could not control my jealousy! I told her I was very happy for her and she would do great and then I immediately got up.  My jealousy was so out of control that I couldn't be there to congratulate and celebrate my friend's success.

I have had to pray for humility over and over lately because I will be out of control in these next few months if I keep getting caught up in the interviews and offers of the other 80 people in my cohort.  I know that things will work out the way they are supposed to for Adam and Griffey and I and I truly do know that someone will see my talent and passion for teaching and I will be a teacher.

I need to calm down and reel it back in.  It is just hard when no one else has humility or modesty and feel they need to share every particlar of their job search on facebook.  I don't want to hear about it anymore, which is why I am not going down the same path as everyone else in my cohort.  I will not boast or rub my successes in other people's faces. ( I am not exaggerating though.  I think everyone is so boastful because it is our first experiences with getting started on our career and so everyone feels the need to share every step of that journey regardless of how their vanity and self-absorbtion may affect those around them.)