I have always liked planning things and I always have many ideas in my head of fun things that I want to do. When I am hanging out with friends, I like to go out and do things and have fun because I feel like I am just wasting potential fun time sitting around doing nothing, so I like to try and plan things.The bad thing is when I have all these ideas and no one wants to do them. I am not usually the type of person who really begs or tries to convince people to go along with my plans, but I have noticed since Adam has been gone that I have been more upset when people don't want to do all the things I want to.
After being told that some people don't like to tell me they don't want to do what I want to do because I make people feel bad for not wanting to do stuff, I thought about this a lot. That was never my intention. I don't want to make people feel bad for such a silly reason or for any reason really. Hearing that made me really sad because the reason I try so hard to get people to go along with all these plans I have is because in my head I have this great picture of everyone having fun and really enjoying themselves and thinking it was so much fun. I have realized that in the past I liked to think of fun things to do and suggest them to my friends and if they didn't want to, then I would let it go, but since I have been a lot more lonely and alone without Adam, I guess I really need these things.
I have these fantastic plans where in my head everyone is having tons of fun and I am really happy and not lonely and then when no one wants to do them, I get sad and wish people would change their minds and I try hard to get them to change their minds. I didn't used to be like this and when Adam comes home, I know I won't be like that. Right now, I rely a lot on my friends to be there for me because I feel so alone even when I am around people. Even in a room full of people who I know love me, I feel like a big part of me is missing and my body and mind and heart ache for that missing piece.
I am sorry for putting so much stress and pressure on my friends and expecting an unreasonably high emotional tolerance from them.
I don't know how to not feel lonely without Adam here, and the best way I can think of is to distract myself by doing lots of things, so when no one wants to do things, I try to convince people to because in my head I think it will help me.
By saying I feel alone or lonely even when I am around friends or family, I am not meaning to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't really know how to explain it. I am able to get by with Adam gone, but I don't want to have to. It is so hard to want to just hug the one you love the most or simply touch their face and not be able to. I don't feel like anyone understands this and or has patience for me. I could be wrong, but that's how I feel. I know I over generalized by saying 'anyone' and I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings because of this blog.
Basically, I am doing the best I can and I am sorry if I wore you too thin, annoyed you, or anything else. That wasn't my intention.
P.S: I appreciate all my friends and family and all the support I have gotten!
Your amazing Kelsey and don';t let anyone tell you different!
ReplyDeleteI only know how hard deployments are from a mother's point of view. I can only imagine that it is even harder when your sweetheart is away. I also had a difficult time feeling like no one understood waht I was going through emotionally when Elliott was in Iraq. It helped me to "talk" with other Marine parents online. Because their sons were with mine in Iraq, they knew exactly what I was feeling. It still saddened me that I didn't have in person friends who understood. It was a very lonely time. It was rare that anyone reached out to me. I think you have a good plan to stay busy with people, and I wonder if you have any connections with other military wives. A connection there might really make a difference.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you, Kelsey. Both you and your husband are making a sacrifice for our country, and I appreciate you both!
I love you Kelsey.
ReplyDeleteHey Kelsey, You are right, I don't know what it's like. You are walking a hard line and sacrificing much (You knew you would get lonely, but you didn't at the same time sort of thing). It's good to let out how you feel and help teach people about something you never knew you would be an expert at. I have never even met you, but following your blog, and seeing your fight for Adam, and knowing how I feel about my spouce, well, I have learned a lot from you. You helped me have a more open mind. You are doing a great job. I can't wait til Adam comes home and you two can be together again. Friends are your life boat until he comes back, so I really hope things change so you can get the support you need.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes
Amanda Flood - roomie of a roomie (use your words)